We’ve all heard it. It’s a well-intentioned mantra chanted in bedrooms and advice columns everywhere: “She comes first.” While it comes from a good place, aimed at prioritising female pleasure, I’m here to offer a controversial but science-backed opinion: this advice might actually be sabotaging her experience of penetrative sex.

As a women’s health physiotherapist, I see the real-world consequences of this widespread misunderstanding of female sexual response. Many women come to me confused, thinking something is wrong with them when penetration feels uncomfortable or even painful after they’ve had an orgasm. The truth is, it’s not them; it’s the timing.

Let's break down the two key physiological reasons why having an orgasm *before* penetration can make things less pleasurable.

1. Your pelvic floor has had its workout

What is an orgasm? Physiologically, it’s a series of involuntary, rhythmic contractions—or spasms—of your pelvic floor muscles. It’s an intense muscular event.

Now, think about any other muscle in your body after a strong workout. It’s tired, maybe a little sensitive, and it needs a moment to recover. This is often called a refractory period. Your pelvic floor is no different. Pushing on those muscles with penetration immediately after they’ve just gone through the intensity of an orgasm can be uncomfortable. It’s like your body is saying, “Hey, I’ve had enough for a minute!” We readily accept that a man has a refractory period post-orgasm, and it's time we understood that the female body has one too.

2. The natural cushioning disappears

This is perhaps the most important and least-talked-about reason. During arousal, a woman’s body has its own incredible way of preparing for comfortable penetration. The clitoris is much larger than the little nub you see externally. Internally, surrounding the vaginal entrance, are the vestibular bulbs. This is erectile tissue, the exact same tissue found in a penis.

As you become aroused, these bulbs fill with blood, becoming engorged and firm. This creates a beautiful, natural cushion around the vaginal entrance, making penetration feel good, not jarring.

When you orgasm, your superficial pelvic floor muscles contract and squeeze the blood out of this erectile tissue, just as an erection subsides in a man. If the cushion is gone, the entrance to the vagina is no longer as protected. Penetration is happening without that soft, blood-filled padding, which can lead to sensations that are sensitive, uncomfortable, or simply not pleasurable. Too often, this leaves women feeling like they just have to “endure” the rest of the encounter, which is the exact opposite of our goal.

So, what’s the alternative?

This isn’t about her not coming. It’s about her coming at a better time.

Instead of a linear race to her finish line before the "main event" even starts, think of pleasure as a journey you build together. The goal isn't to check a box. The goal is shared pleasure. This might mean she orgasms during penetration (often with the help of a vibrator on the clitoris simultaneously), or after, or you explore multiple orgasms.

It’s about ditching the rigid, performative script and listening to our bodies. True pleasure comes from understanding our anatomy and working with it, not against it. So let’s change the narrative from “she comes first” to “we build pleasure together.” It might just lead to a more satisfying experience for everyone involved. You may even climax together, at the same time.